From The Desk Of J. Jonah Jameson

SPIDER-MAN
I WAS WRONG ABOUT BEING WRONG WHEN I SAID I WAS WRONG ABOUT BEING WRONG

EDITORIAL BY ‘J. JONAH JAMESON’

It had to happen.  In my 60 plus years at the Daily Bugle, YOUR paper of record, I have endeavored to bring you the truth about Spider-Man.  It used to sicken me to have to capitalize his name, as if he were a person that mattered, like Merv Griffin or Milo Auckerman.  Heck, my irresponsible photographer was more noteworthy, but you never saw a picture in the Bugle credited to anyone other than peter parker.  That was my way to jab at them before digital came around (isn’t that right, eddie?).  That’s not why I’m here today.  For years, I have told you that Spider-Man was a threat, a menace!  And I was right.

 

I was right during my time on CBS.  I was a young man then, full head of hair, print was power, and Spider-Man was a menace.  He made Dennis look downright tame, I don’t mind telling you. He’d leave his webs on two specific buildings twice a week, every week for what felt like a tv season.  He had the buggiest eyes you’d ever seen, like you were being looked at by two speakers.  And, without fail, he’d float a net over 1-6 criminal after roughly 40 minutes plus commercials.  Who was left to clean these messes up?  To pay for them?  YOU and ME, that’s who, the good people of New York.

 

I was right in the 70’s, even when I was wrong.  I had proven my photographer peter parker WAS Spider-Man, until he proved me wrong by being in the same place as Spider-Man at the same time.  What was an open and shut case became a shut then reopened case, but I put it to YOU, the reader, that truth is what you make it to be.  That’s even more true today, isn’t it?  Therefore, I was right.

 

There have been times, perhaps the times I’ve been the most right, where my rightness has given me movie star looks.  I’d be covered in a glow, Miss Brant would say, when I’d assemble a fine collection of words letting the world know how correct I was about the brutish bandit basking in banality while webbing the weak, weary, and worn down.  I’m getting a tear in my surprisingly attractive eye right now just thinking about it.

 

I mean, he had to be a criminal.  When my son, the astronaut/man-wolf returned to Earth, no one ever celebrated the fact that he was only attacking people at night.  No one but the Bugle, that is.  Meanwhile the Post would have you think that Spider-Man is a hero because he commits crimes all day?  I don’t think so, Post.  More like, New York Paste if you ask me.

 

It seemed like all of New York disagreed with me.  ‘Spider-Man Saves Civic Center For The Homeless’ wrote the Times, showing their bias in full bloom.  ‘Spider-Man Rescues Children’s Hospital Staff From Sandman’ wrote the Mercury News, without ever asking WHY he was there. ‘J. Jonah Jabrony’.  Fully page headline in the Post.  ‘Nuff said.  Then, without warning, I found myself ultimately agreeing with them.  There was a flood.  He was a hero.  AND, it turns out, he WAS peter parker.  I knew it!

 

I spent a good deal of time and effort trying to retract what I had said, undo the damage.  Spider-Man WAS a hero.  So why are we publishing this, today of all days?  Because I, J. Jonah Jameson, am dead.  I am dead and am unlikely to come back.  Which means Spider-Man IS a menace.  Robbie, this is my paper, and you had better be sure this sees print.  I leave you now New York, hoping you’ll rise up against this wall crawling menace who worked to silence me for years, and has now silenced me for good.

 

Editorial written 6/18/1998, to be published upon my death ONLY in the event that I die at the hands of a Goblin, Green OR Hob, who has burned my face off after I’ve had a full 180 turnaround on my opinion of Spider-Man.